Freebies

I recently read an article (I am notorious for clicking on links that take me places I have never been…). It said something like “If you want to learn how to score hotel freebies, click here." It claimed to offer “insightful” and “unexpected” advice. Who doesn’t want to know how to get free stuff? I clicked.

Apparently, it was a recap of a book someone wrote, Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustles, and So-Called Hospitality, by Jacob Tomsky. Really? Someone wrote an entire book on hotel freebies and advice? I should have stopped right there.

Basically its “advice” was to lie, cheat, steal, and when that fails, bribe.

Apparently, when checking in, you should slip the agent a “bill.” Folks, he’s not bringing me a drink, or refilling my water glass, he’s just taking my credit card information and giving me a key card. It’s his job……

For the record, if I want an upgrade, I politely ask for it. I make sure I am friendly and upbeat and try very hard to make their job a little easier. Last year when my husband and I traveled to Chicago, the wait for check-in was really long. It was the lunch hour and it appeared as if some staff was on break. The people waiting were understandably upset and angry. I was polite, friendly and understanding and asked if I could have a nice room. I was given a lovely, huge corner room overlooking Michigan Ave., and all my “bills” were intact.

My advice: When checking in, be nice, friendly, and polite and it helps to sign up for the free loyalty membership in advance of your visit.

Next juicy tidbit: Tip the valet. Wow, gee, I had no idea that that was the custom. Does this guy think we just fell of the hay truck? I’ll just pretend that I never saw that tip.

Next up: Give the bellman $2 per bag when he helps you to your room. Bellmen? Do people really use those? My husband and I (and everyone else in the free world) have rollers on our suitcase. Back in the old days (before wheels were invented) that advice would make sense….my tip is that the author should get some new luggage.

My advice: Just wheel your luggage yourself, use the $5 to get a snack.

The next tip concerns what to do about that maid. If I ask someone to clean my room, I will offer a tip. They are performing a thankless job and I appreciate a clean room. I show my appreciation by leaving a tip. However, I must confess, I don’t like strangers in my room. If it is a short stay, we usually decline the service. I make beds at home; I can make beds while traveling. As long as we have sufficient towels and toiletries, we are good to go. The maids are in fact, only too happy to give me what I ask for from the ubiquitous cart. Actually, I am certain they would rather have one less room to clean than the few bucks.

Here is some good advice: If you leave a tip, leave a note next to it saying, “Thanks!” I have had some maids that did not take the tip because it wasn’t made obvious that it was for them.

Mr. Tomsky continues with how to score “extra freebies.” He suggests that you enjoy and make free use of the minibar. When you check out, just deny you ever used it. According to this expert, it is a “horrible stance” for the hotel to take to not believe you. In other words, lie. I think his advice is a “horrible stance.”

Mini bars suck. They are way too expensive and that just pisses me off. Can I afford $5 for a bag of pretzels? Sure (especially since I didn’t use the bellman), but I am not going to because of the principle (which, clearly, Mr. Tomsky does not have). I never use them.

My advice: Buy a bottle of wine, bottled water and some snacks from a nearby pharmacy and ignore the minibar.

Mr. Tomsky also has great advice with how to enjoy a free movie. Go ahead, order, and enjoy. Then, “once you’ve finished watching your movie just call down to the front desk and tell them the movie just froze in the middle or it turned off suddenly.” Be assured that you are not really stealing because the hotel pays a movie subscription fee and therefore, is not out any money.

What?

I am guessing that the subscription fee is pretty pricey, and sure, they make a profit, but it is stealing. I sure hope Mr. Tomsky does not have children…..

My advice: Wait until you get home to rent a movie. If you must see a movie on vacation, stream it with a Netflix subscription on your laptop.

Finally, the best advice yet: How to score a free bathrobe. By now, I think you get the hang of his advice. So if you guessed to simply steal it, give yourself a gold star. Yep, all you have to do is call down and tell them you are missing a bathrobe, then “in the time it takes someone to come up and deliver you another one, you can stash the extra robe right into your suitcase.”

Wow, what a stand-up guy. Maybe I should go easy on someone that doesn’t even own a robe.

My advice: If you really love the robe, buy it. If you can’t afford it, you can’t have it. Same advice I gave to my kids. Geeesh.

Needless to say, I won’t have Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustles, and So-Called Hospitality on any shopping list.

In my opinion, Mr. Tomsky has a few things wrong with his moral compass. Gee, I wonder how Mr. Tomsky would feel if someone just decided to put a copy of his book in their purse, or even beter - illegally downloaded it…